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Monday, December 06, 2004
Paranoia's all I got left. I know just what it feels like to have a voice in the back of my head, its a face that I hold inside a face that awakes when I close my eyes, a face that watches every time I lie, a face that laughs every time I fall, and watches everything. I find myself in places with names but not faces. My soul bleeds, devil must have planted the seed, now it feels like my backs against the wall, I'm taking the fall. Whenever I call noones responding at all. I dont know who I can trust. All I'm trying to do is just master me, but something keeps talking to me conciously, responsibly it keeps haunting me. I'm about to break I need room to breathe I cannot take this anymore saying everything I've said before all these words they make no sense I found bliss in ignorance. Less I hear, less youll say. You'll find that out anyway. I find the answers arent so clear I wish I could find a way to disappear. these are the places where I cant feel torn from my body my flesh it heals. These are the memories, the reasons to rip off my face.Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams and give into sad thoughts that are maddening do I sit hear and try to stand it? Or do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness or do I trust none and live life in loneliness. I cant hold on when I'm stretched so thin I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade but then I just end up getting hurt again. If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll take from me until everythings gone if I let them go I'll be outdone but if I try to catch them I'll be outrun. If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer, then I'll be buried in the silence of my answer.
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 07:36 pm
havent been on for a while
had a busy time
moving on
or at least
attempting to
still in love with him?
i am
cant get him out of my head
think of him
24/7
but i can guarantee
he dont think of me
he aint got a gf no more
but i know
i aint good enough for him
i know
i aint got a chance in a million
to be with him
i know
i aint cool enough
i know
i aint got enough friends
havent got with enyone
aint ever had a bf
i know
i never will
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I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 07:35 pm
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Once upon a time there was a little girl, and everybody thought that she was perfect. All the boys liked her, and she had many friends.
Then one day she met another girl, and she thought that she was nice. The trouble was that this new girl was rather invisible and wasn't in the cool group at school, and didn't have any friends other than her new "friend", the perfect girl.
So the perfect girl was nice to the new girl when they were alone, but totally ignored her whenever she felt like it, and whenever there was anyone "important" around. This meant that the new girl felt very left out, and didn't have anyone to hang around with at school, and so she isolated herself from everyone else, and all she did at lunchtimes was either homework or hang around and do stuff in the computer room, and no-one either noticed or cared.
The new girl tried hanging around with the perfect girl, but found that the perfect girl paid her no attention, and neither did the guys that hung around with the perfect girl. The new girl developed a crush on several boys, and, as soon as she did, the guys treated the perfect girl as if they was going out with her.
This made the new girl feel very left out and alone, and she thought more and more about committing suicide. She became very secluded and no longer talked to anyone, and her family knew that something was wrong but they couldn't get whatever it was out of her. They sent her to a counsellor, but nothing worked. She just refused to talk about it, and buried herself in her study, seeing as she was in her last year of school, Year 12.
Now the new girl feels very sad, and suicidal. She doesn't know what to do with her life anymore.
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 02:40 pm
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to think about them. I don't know whether I should live or die. I don't know whether to bother playing this game called life, or whether to retire. I don't seem to be able to stop my friends from leaving me alone. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why guys won't even touch me. I just don't know what to do anymore...
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 05:32 pm
i dont know what to think anymore. i no ive said this before but im really serious this time I have no idea what to do with stef i seriously dont think that i want anything to do with her anymore i seriously think that shes just full of shit i think she just says some things to make everyone feel sorry for her and what shit about earning $90 pr hour with the army reserves... i mean come on this is the reserves not the fucking army and the only people that earn that much money are officers and she is too young to be an officer stef if your reading this im sorry honey but ITS FUCKING BULLSHIT and shes bloody turning into a bloody druggie doing speed, pot, ecstacy well i dont want anything to do with that yeah sure i tried pot once but jesus thats the first and last time ill be doing that i think ill just stick to alcohol. and she sent me a message saying "after all ive done for you ... blahblahblah" i was just like yeah, thanks stef, you got me smoking and doing pot, you did me a great favour, im so happy i met you, you know, next you would have got me doing worse than that and i would have been a fucking goner,just like you and your fucking melton bummy druggy friends... im sorry but honey, being a druggy aint so cool as you might happen to think... anyways ive got to go do skool work coz i ACTUALLY WANT TO PASS AND FINISH YEAR 12, UNLIKE SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW... anyone wanna gess who i'm talking about?
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 05:22 pm
Thursday, May 13, 2004
I don't know. Do I have a big invisible sign around my neck that says "Dont touch me" or something? Can someone please tell me? A guy preferably? Coz no guys ever come NEAR me
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 05:47 pm
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Tribute to Evanescence (sorry guys this is all that I have been listening to at the moment)
Catch me as I fall
Say youre here and its all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No-ones here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
If I will it all away
Dont turn away
Dont give into the dark
Dont try to hide
When I'm screaming your name
Dont close your eyes
God knows what lies beneath them
Dont turn out the light
Never sleep
Never die
Im frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilised by my fear
And seem to be
Blinded by tears
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispering voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end
Hold onto me love
You know I cant stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you
And I'm not afraid
Can you hear me
Can you feel me in your arms
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in a white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree
Come find me
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
All my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams
Will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
...No-ones there
Say goodnight
Dont be afraid
Calling me
Calling me
As you fade to black
Playground school bell
Rings again
Rain clouds come to
Play again
Has noone told you
Shes not breathing
Hello
I'm your mind
Giving you someone to talk to
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know
I'll wake from this dream
Dont try to fix me
I'm not broken
Hello
I'm the lie living for you
So you can hide
Dont cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday
Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame
Dont you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when your pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You dont know how
Youve betrayed me
Somehow youve got everybody fooled
Without the mask
Where will you hide
Cant find yourself
Lost in your lie
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I dont love you anymore
It never was and never will be
Youre not real and
You cant save me
Somehow now
Youre everybody's fool
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
I lay dying
And I'm pouring
Crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost
My God
My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God
My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ
Tourniquet
My suicide
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clocks screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops as theyre falling
Tell a story
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Dont say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos
Your reality
I know what lies
Beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Swallowed up
By the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear
Of silent nights
Oh how I long
For the deep sleep dreaming
With the wonders of
Imaginary Life
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 01:00 pm
Monday, May 03, 2004
ARRRRGGGHHH I'm going fucking insane I'm so confused I dont know what to think about anything anymore about guys, about school, about anything what am I supposed to think about HIM when he treats me so strangely, with friendliness with coolness with indifference being nice one day and then an asshole the next not replying to any of my messages is he doing it on purpose or isnt he getting them and dont talk to me about that stupid bitch who is only using me for her own purposes not friends with me only talking to me when she FUCKING feels like it otherwise I'm not good enough for her I dont have so many "friends" as her I dont get picked up by every guy in the year level I'm not as cool as her I dont starve myself so that I can be as skinny as her... there must be something wrong with me so that guys dont want to answer my msgs or talk to me at all
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 06:25 pm
Friday, April 30, 2004
I never know what to think anymore about anything, especially HIM
Everything that I didn't get to say to you
Coz I'm one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break
If I had known what you would say
I'd have turned and walked away
Can't hold the tears back though I try
Coz there's nothing quite as sad as
Goodbye
Should I smile coz your my friend...
Or cry coz that's all you'll ever be???
A million words would not bring you back
I know because I've tried
Neither would a million tears
I know because I've cried
Some day you'll cry for me
Like I cried for you
Some day you'll miss me
Like I missed you
Some day you'll need me
Like I needed you
Some day you'll love me
But I won't love you
I wish I may
I wish I might
Be the one
You wish for tonight
If the only way for us to be together is in my dreams...
Then I'll sleep forever
A heart is not a plaything
A heart is not a toy
But if you want it broken
Just give it to a boy
This time it's over
I'm keeping my heart
I'm gonna be strong
And not fall apart
It'll get better
I'll no longer cry
In a couple of weeks
I won't want to die
I won't want to go back
I'll be able to sleep
It won't hurt so bad
And won't feel so deep
I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Blood trickles across the floor
Bothered by you
Not anymore
I'd slit my arm
From elbow to fist
And I'd know by you,
I wouldn't be missed
And now the night will throw its cover down on me again and if I'm right it's the only way to bring me back what am I to you tell me darling true if my sky should fall would you even call I've opened up my heart I never want to part when I look into your eyes I can feel the butterflies could you find a love in me would you carve me in a tree don't fill my heart with lies is it lonely is it lonely I can't stop myself from calling calling out your name I can't stop myself from falling falling back again there's a big old hole that goes right through my soul and that ain't nothing new went out on a limb gone too far truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart no matter how hard you resist it just my thoughts to keep me company pour the night into a glass can I sip it slowly and make it last gotta head full of lightning and a hand full of rain I love you baby more than the whole wide world the prettiest thing I ever did see was lightning from the top of a tree moving through the dark a million miles an hour with somewhere to be lately I haven't been myself at all it's heavy on my mind I'm dreaming again like I always will way down low I know if you never come to me you'll remain a distant memory and then I wonder who I am without the warm touch of your hand...
Dreaming dreaming of your touch
Of your voice in my ear
Wrapping your arms around me
Swimming in oblivion
To all the people around us
In oblivion to your girlfriend
You are all that matters to me
I wish I was all that mattered to you
In oblivion we come together
Then you fade away to a shadow, no more
My arms go right through you
Your a ghost even in my dreams
Why must it be this way
I know you love me too
But all this waiting for you
To come to me
Hurts so FUCKING much
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 07:04 pm
Thursday, April 29, 2004
If your asking if I need you
The answer is forever
If your asking if I'll leave you
The answer is never
If your asking what I value
The answer is you
If your asking if I love you
The answer is I do
He holds me when i start to cry
makes me smile with just his eyes
Shares my hopes, fears, dreams
Wipes away all my tears
I love him without regret
I just havent found him yet
The first time I saw you I knew it was true That I'd love you forever and that's what I'll do You dont know what you do to me You dont have a clue You dont know what its like to be me looking at you My *fantasy* has turned to madness All my *goodness* has turned to badness My need to have *YOU* has taken my soul
My heart is trembling I've just lost control
I'm not supposed to love you
I'm not supposed to care
I'm not supposed to live my life,
Wishing you were there
I'm not supposed to wonder
Where you are or what you do,
I'm sorry, I can't help myself,
I fell in love with you
What is love and what does it define
Who's to say and who's to draw the line
And within this world and all its fuss
Who's to say if it's love
Or just a simple crush
Why do you confuse me so
I have no idea what to think
Youre playing a game
Of cat and mouse
And I'm the mouse
You treat me with indifference one day
And with friendliness the next
Treat me with looks about which
I'm not sure what to think
Do you like me or do you not
Or do you like you like your girlfriend more
Who is apparently so hot
I cant hold a candle to her
She's perfect I know
But what am I supposed to think
When you treat me so
You haven't even looked at me
For months but today's the day
When you decide to treat me to your attention.
Raising your eyebrows and giving me a "look"
How am I supposed to know what
The HELL to think when you twist my
Insides around like that.
Confusing me, twisting me
I have no idea what to think about you anymore
About you or anything
Causing me so much pain
So much FUCKING hurt
You deserve to go to hell
For causing me so much
Confusion and misery
Wondering what you do with HER
Crying over you, dreaming about you...
I'm tired of these tears that leak from my soul, its become a river, I've just lost control. I last lost control of the river at 06:24 pm
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